Therapy is supposed to cost 24 bucks. That is, after Medicare hits it, paying most of it and leaving me with this copay. See Medicare is no joke. It is the best insurance any of us has ever seen. Over the years it has been cut again and again. It is on a butcher’s block right now, and Congress is doing its best to render it ineffective. But for now, 24 dollars when I was still seeing Steven, and even that is a lie. Twenty-four was not what my copay really was.
So after about a year of this, maybe two, I got a check back refunding me for overcharging me for my copay. A week before Christmas, a four-hundred-dollar check showed up in our mailbox, and Bekah gave it to me to do with anything that I wanted.
I remembered the boy, nearly my age, who had bought me a journal and a Buck 55. Well, God had told him to bring me that journal. I had not started writing yet. Had not made it a part of my life, and I ended up losing the journal, but when I looked back at my life and what I was supposed to be doing with it, that boy came back to me.
God had sent him a message, and in doing so had confirmed for me, years later when I did start writing, that I was on the right path. It was a message from God and I told myself that if I ever had the power to do the same, I would. If I ever had a way to bring a miracle into the life of another family, I would not pause.
So I ran it by Bekah and she loved the idea. All of our Christmas was paid for. We had all the presents and food we needed. In getting everything we wanted for our family and friends, we had not suffered any hardship and were not in debt. So I moved.
I went to the two holiest places I knew of.
First, I called Unity Church. It is right down the road from me and around a corner. They had been there for me when I needed them once, and I liked the work they were doing, so I called on the off hours and got ahold of a woman. I will call her Cheer.
“This is Unity Church, Cheer speaking.”
I was already crying. I could feel the hand of God moving through me. I knew I was doing the work of the Lord. So with a hitch in my breath and fighting through sobs I said, “I have a problem. I need your help.”
Churches get this all the time. People down on their luck call a church in order to get a thing or another. If they need money for gas, hit up a church. If they need a ride somewhere, hit up a church. Strangers often reach out to servants of God to find relief, whether they belong in that church or not.
“What can Unity do for you?”
“I got a check today. I don’t need it and I don’t think it belongs to me.” Sobbing and I can’t hardly get the words out. “We have our Christmas in hand and I want to give this money to someone in need. But I don’t know how to get ahold of anyone.” I could not talk for a while, and I heard her whisper.
“Oh, bless God.”
“I have about 200 dollars I can spare and I need to know if you can send me to anyone in need.”
“Well, we have a Christmas tree in our church where people can hang an ornament with a request for something they are in need of, but I am pretty sure all the requests have been filled. Let me check. Please don’t hang up.”
“Okay,” was all I could whine.
She was gone for a few minutes, not long, and she came back. “Well the presents have all been bought. No one is in need of a gift. Can you give me a few minutes? I need to make a few calls. I might have a family in mind but I can’t be certain. Might you be able to give me your phone number, and me call you back when I have information for you?”
My next call was to Sasquatch.
“I need a favor.” I still can’t stop crying. I am filled with joy as I prepare to repay a debt 31 years in the making.
“What is wrong?”
“Nothing. Look, I came in to some money and I need your help. Do you know anyone that is needy, anyone I can give this money to that might be able to use it to give their family a better Christmas? I really have nowhere to put this money and I need your help. Do you know anyone in need?”
“How much money are we talking about?”
“I can spare two hundred dollars.”
“Whoa. Well there is a family right up the road from me that might need help. See—”
“I don’t need the details. I don’t want them to know where it came from. Don’t say my name, just give them the money and say, ‘God loves you.’”
“Okay,” he said. He was quiet for a few minutes before he said, “When can you get it to me?”
“I will bring it over as soon as I hear back from Unity Church.” I could hardly talk. “Will you be home?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“See you soon.”
Cheer called back. “Well I have found a family that is on hard times. They—”
“I don’t need to know, and I don’t want them to know my name. Just tell them when you hand them the money, ‘God loves them.’” I could barely talk. I was so charged with emotion and love. “Can I bring the money to you now?”
“You sure can.”
“I need to go to the bank first. Can you wait?”
“I am not going anywhere.”
Bank. And I pull up to the Church. I get out of the car and she is waiting at the door for me. I hand her an envelope with two hundred dollars in it, sobbing.
“Thank you,” she said. “Can I give you a hug?”
I hugged her and she held me while I sobbed. I told her about the family who had helped us out so long ago and I said I had always wanted to do this. I told her I had finally been given the chance and I was so thankful.
She thanked me again and I drove straight to Sasquatch’s house.
He met me at the door, too.
“Here, please get this to them and don’t mention me at all,” I said. I could still barely talk. I felt the spirit of God moving through me.
I looked at Sasquatch and he looked scared. “Do you want to come in?” he said.
“I’m in no shape. I need to get home and get myself under control.”
“Can you drive?”
“Yeah. I can get home. Thank you for this.”
“No problem.” He looked at me for a few more seconds and I waited for something. I don’t know what. Approval? Maybe confirmation that I was doing God’s work? I don’t know what I wanted from him, but he closed his door and I drove home.
I got home, crawled in bed, and cried.
I asked him a week after Christmas if he got that money to that family. He said he had been busy so he didn’t get it to them before Christmas but he had gotten it to them later.
I was broken by the news but didn’t say so. We went on talking about other things and I hurt for the family that missed the Christmas blessing I wanted for them.
A year later, I do the same thing. Money allows me to help out a friend in need. He has no job. He has no money for rent and he is defeated. When he climbs into the car, I grab his hand and press two hundred fifty dollars into it. It won’t pay his rent, but it might hold off the landlord for a few weeks.
“Thank God,” he said. He started crying a bit. I took him to get some groceries and then I came home.
I told Sasquatch the next weekend that I had been able to help another person for Christmas and the sensation was sweeter than all the gifts I had ever given.
“I gotta call bullshit,” Sasquatch said.
“What?” I knew he was not calling me a liar. I just didn’t know what he was saying.
“Not a Christian. You claim to not be a Christian, but you do things like this. You are more like a Christian than anyone I have ever met. Why don’t you make it official? Why don’t you just say you are a Christian? That way it means something to God.”
Suddenly Christians were the only people who could do good things and please the Lord. Suddenly all my generosity was for not in the eyes of the Lord.
“I don’t have to be a Christian to do good by people.”
He went quiet for a minute. I don’t know what he was thinking. I don’t know what his plan was. But all he did was go quiet for a while then change the subject.
He had confirmed for me that only Godly people did good things. And I was so broken with the Lord that I let him say it. I took him at his word. He was a guide given to me by God. What he said had to count.
See, in my mind he was the answer to a call I had sent out into the world. Sasquatch was the authority on God’s Will at this point.
Only Christians could be charitable and please God. Anyone else who did these sorts of things were not blessed by God.
And that didn’t seem right to me. My anger for God grew. It would continue to.
Adam was slowly being beaten down by God. His understanding of the Will of God was being crushed.
Adam was getting bitter.
This chapter is from Reality of the Unreal Mind, Vol. 3: The Keep.