I have learned a lot after 19 years of therapy. I have examined every bit of my life and who I am. I have changed a lot of what I do and how I think and I have come to a few conclusions. I had to redefine what it is to be a man, father, and husband after what I was taught by our family. I had to reevaluate everything that happened in 2000 and see what I thought and still think about the events that transpired and the way things landed. In my study of the situation I have come up with the fact that I was right and Grasp and his allies were wrong.
I have been vilified and he has been celebrated. He has been called “quite a man” and cherished by the family he betrayed and the ones he hurt, while I am reviled and things are said about me that are indefensible. Our family has condemned my actions and upheld his. But I am a writer and the world is a big place. As a writer I have a large microphone and a larger audience. I am ready to tell my side of the story.
Call this blog series a warning that I have been roused.
I have written my autobiography. It is called Reality of the Unreal Mind and I have yet to figure out when I am publishing it, but it will be published. It is three volumes long. It deals mostly with the disorder I suffer from and my childhood, my relationship with Bekah, and the rise of my family, but this story cannot be told without Grasp and I will not shy away from the telling.
There are a few people in our family that I love and respect, Tigress, Lioness, Little Man, Dewdrop, Smiles, Aunt Honey, her son and his family. The rest have fallen under my eye. The rest I aim for now.
My Uncle Wrath has guided me and supported me most of my life. He has been good to me if not a little stern and I love him dearly. However he is a big supporter of Grasp and as such I cannot trust him or have him in my life. I hurt in his absence, I am less of a man without him. I have needed his wisdom and his laugh but I cannot enjoy that. I cannot allow him in. So I grieve.
Uncle Ball is lost to me. There is a part of me who is still the boy he would wake up some mornings by jumping in bed with me and tickling me, whose Uncle Ball would take him out for ice cream sundaes and tell him dirty jokes. But a few years back he taunted me and told me to unfriend him and block him because I posted on Facebook about how everyone should stop posting ugly political things and be civil. He chose to keep yelling about his political views instead of keeping me in his life. So I grieve.
I cannot force my way into the lives of Dewdrop, Smiles, and Little Man when they have made it clear they do not want anything to do with me. I cannot reach out to them when they are distancing themselves from me. However I am always open to them if they need to talk to me about any of this. And if they want to read the manuscript of my autobiography then I will put it in their hands.
I have been attacked. For years I have been attacked. For years everyone has been saying I was wrong for my part in the War of 2000 and that I regret my actions but am too proud to come back. All of these things are false. I do not regret my actions and I was not wrong. I wonder if our family thought that I would sit shamed and despised and do nothing about it. I wonder if they decided I would not ever speak up or tell my side of the story. Well, either way, I have told my side of the story and I mean to make it public over the next 52 hours.
I waited until Grandma was dead before I told this story because I did not want to upset her. In the end, I had to cut ties with her when she looked at me and told me it was not a big deal if a child was molested, it happened all the time. I did not scream in her face. I did not argue with her. I finished my visit, I hugged her, and I walked away. But what I did not do was attack her family while she lived. I did not light this fire while she could suffer from it. I hope you can respect that.
I did not want you blindsided. I tried to send emails to Tigress, Lioness, Aunt Honey and her son but I was not taken seriously. I reached out to offer to let them read what I have written before the rest of the world sees it. But time was not taken and in some instances I was completely ignored and can have it no longer.
In my book I have changed every name. I have changed them to names that are obviously fake. In real life I have also changed my name. There are two layers of separation between the family and the public. That is the best I can do.
You are about to learn a lot about me. You will learn a lot about righteousness. You will learn a lot about my vision of right and wrong.
To those of you I can love, please know you are never far from my thoughts. I miss you terribly. I fear I always will.
P.S. If any of you, but those I have named, come to my house or call me about this matter I will call the cops or hang up. I will not argue with angry people who do not respect me and never will.