“Is this what they look like now?” I asked Grandma Mocking. It had been over two years since I had been back to Waynesville to see anyone, and I chose to start my attack here.
“Yup, that is them. There is sweet Dewdrop and that is Ball’s Little Man. You would be so proud of how Ball takes care of that child. Like he was his very own. You would be proud.”
“Where’s…” I set the frame back down and saw what I was looking for. “Smiley, there you are. My God, she is so beautiful.” Guardian has decided he has to see the kids, but he can’t give Ball any warning. He can’t ask for directions and leave this woman here, or she will call Uncle Ball and warn him. I have to catch him unawares.
Guardian is scoping for any opening, and she hands it over, pleasant as pie.
“He says he has new pictures of these babies but he keeps forgetting to bring them over.”
“We are going to go get them.”
“What? No, I mean, we can’t just go over there. We have to—”
“Grandma, we are family. We can drop in unannounced. We have been doing it all of my life. We are going to get you your baby pictures.” I patted her arm. “Let’s go. I would guess you know where he lives now, right?”
“He lives with Genie. But what if they are not there?” She is reaching. Gotta get control of that.
“Call him. Tell him you are coming to get the baby pictures real quick. Do not tell him I am here. I want to surprise him.”
She looked concerned, but she picked up the phone while I stood there smiling. And it was not a fake smile. She had just handed me a reason why she had to take me out to his house.
“Ball, it’s Mom. I’m headed over to your house to get those baby pictures you keep forgetting.” She held the phone and smiled at me. I love her smile. Her sweet one. The one she gives you because she is happy and she does love you. “I don’t need a ride. I have the ride covered. Be right there.” She hung up.
“Doesn’t suspect anything.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
In the car, she leaned into me a little bit to try to win just a toehold of ground in defusing this war.
“You know, Jesse, in the Bible it says we are supposed to forgive.”
“Grandma, forgiveness is laid out pretty plain in the Bible. You must admit to your sin, repent, and make amends. Grasp is still lying, saying that he did nothing when we all know he did. Therefore, Jesus can’t help him. Don’t ask me to do what even Jesus wouldn’t do.”
We drove.
Into the country. Into the night and the dirt roads with wild near and wild coming, and as I drove, I tried to make small talk, but I was just so damn excited. I had not seen my cousins for years, and I needed to know what was going on. Steven, my therapist, and I decided it was time to get a lay of the land. Smell the water they were drinking. See if it was foul.
We got to a double-wide in the middle of nowhere. I remember in the distance hearing the screams and howling of coyotes. The old timers that have been in Missouri backhills for their entire lives call it a song. It’s not. Not to my ears. To my ears, it is chaos.
She knocked on the door and it opened slightly. I stood behind her. As she walked in, I followed her.
I will never forget the face, the face Little Man had when he got the first glimpse of me.
He whispered, “Jesse?” in awe, and I held a finger to my lips. He grinned and nodded. I hugged him there in the foyer/laundry room and I told him I loved him. Guardian just wanted to wrap the boy in a hug and run away with him. But he didn’t. He needed more of this.
“I love you so much, but I want to surprise your dad, so let’s go.” But it was already too late. Grandma had slipped in in front of me, and when I turned the corner, he was already staring wide-eyed at the place I was standing. He gripped both arms of his chair for a long time and Guardian didn’t care.
“Dewdrop! Smiley! Get out here. I am here.” I wanted their hearts to skip when they heard my voice, but I didn’t want to give it away yet.
And Dewdrop’s face was worth it. It broke into a smile that folded again and again on itself as she sprinted to me. I caught her when she jumped, and I whispered in her ear, “You are life.”
I spun her, set her on her feet. I looked at Smiley, who stared up at me shy. She kinda knew who I was. She was probably close to four, maybe five, and I got on my hands and knees and crawled to her.
“Cousin Jesse. And you’re the Perfect Headed Baby.”
She scrunched up her face and shook her head.
“Yes, you are. That is what I used to call you. The Perfect Headed Baby. When you were just born, I used to stare at your perfectly round head and think you were so beautiful. You are even more beautiful now.” I sat cross-legged. “See, you and your brother and sister are beautiful because beautiful people make beautiful babies, and your mother and your father are lookers. Where is Aunt Breezy?”
I looked up to see Genie. She was bigger than Ball usually liked women to be, but she was very pretty and she had a great smile. I put a finger up to her and she smiled at me.
“You first,” I said to Smiley. I held my arms out and she jumped into them. She started giggling so hard. I felt warm and full for the first time in years.
“Where have you been?” Uncle Ball said. He stood and I hugged him.
“Plotting,” I said with a straight face.
His fear was palpable and I let him roll in it before I said, “Just kidding, been trying to get myself together and figure out where I am going from here.”
I looked at my cousins, each trying desperately to get my attention, and I faced them. They all talked at the same time. They all moved in wild and mesmerizing patterns of hands and heads. Their eyes danced, and I knew that right then, everyone was happy. Everyone in the room that mattered was happy.
I turned around and Ball was on the phone. “Yeah, it’s Jesse. Yeah, he’s right here. Do you want to speak to him?”
His face fell. And he said, “Okay. Okay. I swear. I gotta go.”
“Uncle Wrath?”
“Yeah, he didn’t want to talk to you.”
“That’s his right.” I turned back to the kids. “I got more than I can handle right here anyway.”
I opened my arms. They all rushed in and I wrapped them all up and felt real love for the first time in a long time. They had not yet stopped talking.
“Jesse,” Grandma, and she has a large envelope in her hand. “Genie is going to take me back home.”
I jumped to her and wrapped her in a tender hug. “I love you with my soul,” I said to her. She patted my back and smiled.
“Yes dear, I love you, too.”
“I had fun tonight. I want to do this again soon.”
She looked at her feet and nodded. “Yeah, real soon.”
I talked to the kids as long as I could, but soon Uncle Ball chased them away and he turned to me, this time prepared. He had been terrified when I first showed up. He had called his big brother for help. He had not gotten it. And after watching me with the kids, he was ready for me.
“Where is Aunt Breezy?”
“Not your aunt anymore, for sure. Got rid of her ass. Finally. I kept showing those pictures, had to stage a few of them, and then finally Grandma said I could divorce her if I got full custody of the kids.”
I thought of the lecture he had given me on the bus about how men do not babysit their kids, and I realized the majority of the parenting being done here was by Genie. I didn’t know much, but I did know that.
“Well I took her ass to court and I showed those pictures to the judge and I had a few witnesses, your mom, grandma, and I had gone into her new house, where she went when I kicked her out, and I took pictures there, and I showed the judge.
“Got all of the kids, took Little Man from her, too. I am raising another man’s son and it doesn’t bother me a bit. You always knew it wouldn’t though, right?”
I hugged him, remembering the conversation I had had so many years ago in his cool room where he had talked to me and asked me if I wanted him to be my godfather. So many horrid things had happened since then. And now I knew I couldn’t trust him yet. Rose had unfettered access to him.
“Kitchen,” he said pointing.
I sat. He looked at me and shook his head.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Well, it has been a few years.”
“Right?”
“And things have to get back to normal.” He was leaning away from me when he said it. His body language said it all.
“Define normal in a way that does not mean you bringing those kids into a room with Grasp.”
“Look man, your mom and I are brother and sister. We have to have family together.”
“Grasp is my brother. Not going to have family togetherness with him. What the fuck am I hearing?”
“Look, the kids came to me and told me they wanted him back in their lives and they forgave him. So I talked to him about it and—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, who the hell is the parent around here? They ask for him to come back, you tell them no. Forgive all they want, they never have to be in the room with him again.”
He waved it off and started talking fast. “I called him and we talked for a long time and he said he would be willing to come back, but slowly.”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I threw my hands in the air and shook my head. “I have to go on a killing spree.” When I looked back at him, I looked way too capable of doing that very thing.
“Hey, I did my best. When the case fell apart I got restraining orders on him. Grasp was not even allowed to go to Walmart because Breezy worked there. I got them renewed as many times as I could, but there was nothing I could do. Rose won.”
“So we hate her forever,” I chimed.
“No, she is my sister and I love her. I want her back in my life.”
“That is selfish.”
He looked at the door, but knew that if I didn’t want to leave I wouldn’t. And he couldn’t make me.
The taste of the water here was getting bitter. There was a foul taint to it.
“Look, do you want real vengeance? Do you want revenge, Jesse?” He waved his hands around when he said my name in a mocking manner, and Assassin dropped a look on him that shut him up. “I’ll show you the only real revenge you can ever truly get against Grasp.”
In his room and out in a blink, and he drops this coloring book in front of me. Bright colors, yellows, oranges, and the word witchcraft on it. “Yeah, my girlfriend is a witch. Mom doesn’t know, so don’t tell her. You can take this book if you want. You can cast a few spells on him and get your revenge you need so much.” His voice was mocking me. His body language was mocking me. He was belittling me and I had to stop it.
“Justice,” Guardian said. “I’m not looking for revenge. For revenge, I would have to rape him and then have him over for dinner. No, I do not want revenge, Ball. I want justice. And one day I will have it.”
“He came over the other night and we sat on the porch and smoked weed for a while. He has changed.”
“He is training you. He is grooming you, and one day you will willingly hand over loved ones to him to feed on.”
“I’m not stupid. You’re the stupid one.” He laughed and pointed at me.
“Do you like it? Think you gonna need it again?”
“What?”
“The finger. Put it in my face again and I’ll take it home with me.”
“Did you come to fight?”
“I am always ready to fight, Uncle Ball. I have been since I made that call and that will never change. When it all rises up against me, I will rise to meet it instantly.”
“Cake?” Genie said. She walked in with a store bought cake.
I yelled, “Cake, cake, cake.”
I heard feet pounding. They came in, all arms waving and smiles blazing.
“You are all going to eat cake with your cousin.”
Dewdrop hugged herself and shook her head. “I don’t want any.”
“Come on, I’m here for one night, and—”
Uncle Ball put a hand out. “No, if she doesn’t want any, she doesn’t need you to force her. Fat runs in her family and she needs to keep slim.”
I looked at her and noticed she looked like a stick.
“Come here,” I said. I reached out for her and she came to me. I grabbed her head gently and pulled her ear to my mouth. “Your mother was one of the most beautiful women I know. There is nothing wrong with being skinny, but in the end, all that matters is love. Love makes every body shape gorgeous. Now, if you don’t want to eat any cake, will you at least dip your finger in my frosting to sweeten it up for me?”
She giggled, swiped her finger across my frosting, and stuck her finger in her mouth laughing.
I ate the cake. We ate the cake. And Genie had saved us from an extremely intense conversation. That was when I knew she was the one that ran this house.
“Can I show you something?” It was whispered so light, so scared that I didn’t hear it the first time. “Jesse,” a little louder this time, and I see that Little Man is trying to get my attention.
“Okay, sorry, I was looking at your dad’s ugly mug and it was so distracting I didn’t hear you. What did you say?” The whole room laughed but Uncle Ball.
“Can I show you something?”
“Anything.”
I followed him to his room. It was small and narrow with a twin bed, a desk in bad shape, and in the middle of the room, a weight bench. He motioned to it without looking me in the eye.
“Look at me,” I said, sitting on the bench. “This is a great fucking idea. Do this as much as you want. You get mad, you get upset, come in here and take it out on these weights. Look, Little Man, I can look at you and tell that when you get to be an adult you are going to be huge. You will be so big you can snap me in half.” I grabbed his head gently in my hands. “And anyone else who ever tries to fuck with you.”
Bed time and I tuck them all in. Smiley took the longest because she had the most questions.
Back out in the living room, and me and Uncle Ball are alone again.
“Got a new job,” he said. “I am a caregiver at a home for troubled teens.” I tried to look away because I knew it was going to be bad. But he said, “Look.” He made a fist and snapped it under the other arm so that arm was blocking sight. “This is how I get them. Anytime no one is watching, I smack the shit out of them and elbow them and punch them. I don’t take no shit from them.” He was puffed up on abusing kids.
Cue Guardian.
“Why do you think it would be a good idea to brag about hurting children to me?” Guardian said. His voice was actually quizzical. But his eyes were shooting all over Ball’s body. He was looking at targets. Neck, stomach, thigh. He was not making eye contact, just looking at the tender places on Uncle Ball’s body.
“Look man, these kids are trash. They are evil fucking kids. No one cares if they get slapped around a little. How am I supposed to get their respect if they don’t fear me?” He shook his head. “No, I gotta hit those little assholes and keep them in line. Fear me and respect me.”
“Do you fear me?” Guardian asked calmly. It shut his entire face down. Guardian sat without ever breaking eye contact. His entire body shifted down and he dropped into the couch, his eyes still locked on Ball.
“No, I don’t fear you. You’re my nephew. And I’m meaner than you are anyway. I am not afraid of you.”
“Are your kids afraid of me?” Guardian asked.
“No, they know you love them.”
“That is why they respect me. Fear does not invoke respect, Ball. Love does. Talk to these kids, and be the one they can go to when they need help, and they will respect you. Keep hurting them and they will hate you for it. Get enough of them together Uncle Ball, and they will plot.”
A few minutes with Genie and she slips off to bed. “Look, she is good for taking care of the kids, and she can cook. She is a decent blow, but I’m still fucking everything I can get my hands on and she has no idea.”
“I’m done with that shit,” Shadow said with a pointing finger. “Never speak to me about that subject ever again. If you do, I will remind you of what I just said.”
I hugged him.
The water was foul.
The kids that were drinking it were perfect.
Jesse Teller 
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