I believe it was March 4, 2001, that the city of Springfield celebrated Fat Tuesday. Now if you want to get technical, that is the Saturday before Fat Tuesday, but we are in Missouri, not New Orleans, and the bars figured, fuck it, close enough.
Downtown planned a pub crawl, and for about twenty dollars you got a bracelet that let you into about nine bars. Might have that number wrong, but we will go with that.
Now I’m in college, and I have almost no money. Looking back on it now and thinking of the tiny amount of money that I was being given to live off of by my college loans, with the truth being that I ate out a lot, and had rent and utilities. Gas expenses, and a whole lot of other shit, I realize now that I have no idea how I had survived that long.
The answer is that Bekah was my roommate at the time. She was working a paid internship at a design agency, but even then, things were extremely tight. Jackie, my ’74 Chevy Nova, was a gas guzzler, and with every full tank of gas I had to give her a quart of oil. That adds up fast.
Bekah was in her senior year, and at the time I didn’t really involve her in my night life, so she was at home. So many good times were lost with her back in these days, but there was a reason for that. There was a good reason for that.
I was living Guardian’s War. I had called the authorities on Grasp March of the year before, and nothing had happened. Nothing.
There had been no arrest. There was no word on how the case was going. There was just him traipsing around my hometown and getting away with all of it. All of his darkness and all of the horror he had been laying out against the kids and everyone else. All of the pain he had caused, and all the worst that a human can be, was walking free.
Pizza Hut had decided to close down the delivery store in St. Robert. Mumble was transferred to a town about a half an hour out of Springfield called Willard. This meant that my sisters were so much closer and I could see them every weekend. And I did. I went to that house every weekend and saw the entire family beginning to degrade. They were all dissolving before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it.
That day, I had pulled Horrid and Mumble aside and talked to them about Star.
“She is falling behind in school.”
“Yeah, that worthless kid won’t do any of her school work. She is failing in everything,” Horrid snapped.
Guardian, and he glared at her. “What did you say?” Guardian’s voice was bladed and dangerous.
“I’m just saying that she is not doing her school work.”
“Don’t call my sister worthless ever again. If I hear you say that again, I will not be responsible for what I do to you.”
“Now, let’s keep this kind of talk out of my—” Mumble began. Guardian rounded on him and he went quiet.
Guardian was good at that kind of stuff back then.
“We have an idea for how to take care of her,.” Bekah said. “We know she is not sleeping. She tells us all the time about how she is having terrible nightmares. She needs to talk to a professional. Now Jesse has a friend that works at Lakeland Hospital, and he says that they are pretty full right now, but they can get her a bed there if we need one.”
“And it is pretty clear that we need one,” Guardian said. “Now it is a hospital for kids that are having mental health problems, and they will give her safety, and any meds she needs for anxiety, and they will help her with therapy and give her a professional to—”
“Star!” Horrid screamed. “Star get your ass out here.” Horrid looked at me with a smile, and for a second, I thought we would be alright.
Star rushed out of the house and came directly to me. She wrapped her arm around my waist and I patted her back.
“Jesse wants to send you to a looney bin,” Horrid said. “He wants to lock you up with all the insane people and throw away the key.”
“Noo!” she said. She pulled away from me and turned to look at me. “No.” She spun to her mother. “Don’t throw me away. I’ll be good.”
“Star, now listen, it’s not like that,” Bekah said.
Guardian looked at Horrid, who smiled back at him.
“You won’t be able to see your family. You won’t be able to see your school friends,” Horrid said.
Star burst into tears. I dropped on my knee before her and shook my head. “That is not how it will be at all.”
“Do you want us to throw you in the looney bin? You want to go to the insane asylum?”
Star hit her knees and folded her hands. “No, please. I’ll be good. I won’t mess up, I promise.”
Bekah put her hand on my shoulder, gently telling me it was over, but I shrugged it off.
“No, no. Star, listen, I would never throw you away. I love you so much. These people can help you. These people will keep you safe and—”
“And tied up,” Horrid said.
I looked up at her and Guardian snapped. After all of it building up, he just screamed. “Shut the fuck up! Leave me with my sister!”
Horrid looked at Star, looked at all the evil work she had just done, and she walked away.
“If you want to be welcome back here ever again, you will apologize to my wife,” Mumble said. He used his hard voice, but that voice was no where near as hard as Guardian’s.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Guardian said.
“Come here Star,” Guardian said, holding his arms out. “Please come here. I’m sorry, your mother got it all wrong. I would never throw you away.”
Star looked at me with cautious eyes.
“You have always been able to trust me. Nothing has changed.” Guardian hurt. He felt as though his chest had been ripped open by the way she looked at him, and finally, she came to him. He wrapped his arms around her and she kept her arms at her side, her body stiff. He let go immediately. He reached up to stroke her hair but pulled his hand back.
“Listen, I want you to hear what I have to say, and believe me,” Guardian said.
“Honey, we have to go. This is over,” Bekah said, but that was so many miles away.
“This place can help you.”
“No, I don’t want to go. I will break out and run away if you make me go,” Star said.
“I would not be making you—”
“Jesse.” Bekah shook my shoulder. “You’re doing more harm than good. It is over.”
Guardian stared at Bekah for a long time before he nodded and turned back to his sister. “You don’t have to go. You don’t have to go anywhere, but if you ever feel unsafe in this house, call me and I will come get you. I will take you to my house and I will keep you safe.”
Star looked at me with distrust, and I knew there was nothing I could say. It was over, and offering to come and get her if she felt unsafe was making all of it worse. So much worse.
“Give me a hug. I love you with everything I have,” Guardian said. She hugged me, but not as tight as she usually did. “Next time I come over, I will take everyone out for ice cream and we will have Katherine with us. You can play with Katherine. She misses you.”
Star nodded.
I wiped her tears. Said goodbye to my other sisters. Gem and Star watched me and Bekah pull away and head into the rest of our life, and I looked at Bekah.
“I will kill that woman one day,” Guardian said.
I hit Jackie’s gas and we tore off.
It’s about four hours later. Around six o’clock, and I’m getting dressed. None of my clothes even kind of fit but I don’t notice. I pulled my pants on, stuffed my feet into the Adidas that Angel had forced me to wear, and I head out. I’m on foot because I will be drunk tonight, and downtown is pretty close. Bekah asks if she can come, and I hit her with the question that I used back then.
“Homework?” I said. Of course she had homework. This was her senior year and she was stacked high with every demand they were making of her. She had a double major and a minor, and all of her time that was not spent at work was spent working. She only ever was able to give me four hours of her time a night, and I knew it when I asked her.
There is no way of asking for her forgiveness for this. For not letting her be in this corner of my life. She was alone a lot, and I was living a life she knew little about. My friends back then did not even ask about her. And I just walked away that night and went to Danee and Rasha’s house.
Clean was supposed to be there, and I desperately wanted to see him.
Danee and Rasha pulled me aside and looked me in the eye. “Hey, we see you talking to Clean and trying to cozy up to him all the time, and we want to tell you, he is not as good a friend as you want him to be. You have to be careful with him.”
“Maybe, He’s coming, right? He’s going to be here?”
Danee sighed. “Yeah Jesse, he is going to be here. Just try to keep a little distance.”
They bought a lot of booze. We were all college students and, like I said before, we had very little money. We could afford to get drunk at their house and stumble into the Fat Tuesday celebration, but no way we could afford house prices for anything those bars were selling. Guardian drank Fighting Cock for about an hour, until he was wasted, then he stumbled to the phone and called Bekah.
Answering machine, but she picks it up as soon as she hears me say, “Baby?”
“Yes, yes I’m here. Are you okay?” She sounded worried, and to Guardian that was a balm. Having someone worry about him made him feel loved, and besides Katherine, that kind of love was the only kind getting through. “Do you need me to come get you? Are you upset?”
“Upset?” Guardian slurred. “I’m always fucking upset, baby. The world is on fire. I’m on fire. The kids are on fire. The fire consumes everything and there is nothing anyone can do about it,” Guardian said. He was not drunk enough to have to worry about throwing up yet, but he was still pretty drunk.
“We are going to be okay, baby. We are. Things are moving slow, but I think we have him.”
“You gotta call House,” Guardian said.
“Hey asshole, we are about to leave here,” Clean said. He shoved Guardian and Guardian laughed.
“Yeah, I get it. I’m about ready.”
“I’m not waiting for him to get done crying over the phone. I am supposed to meet a friend. You guys wait if you want to. I’m gone,” Clean said behind me.
“I’m coming, Clean,” Guardian yelled. “I’m coming. Don’t leave yet.
“Clean is leaving. I gotta go.”
“Hey Jesse, if you want me to come get you at any time, I will. Just call. I put quarters in your pockets.”
“Yeah, okay. Look, I gotta go,” Guardian said. “Clean is leaving.”
“What did you want me to say to House?” she said. “Jesse!”
I set the phone down, but Danee picked it up. “Bekah?”
“Yeah, ask him why I am calling House.”
“Jesse, wait.” Danee looked at Rasha, and she grabbed my arm. “Why do you want her to call House?”
“Tell her to tell him to give away the bed he was holding. Tell her to tell him we failed,” Guardian said before dropping to his knees.
“Tell House to give away the bed,” Danee said. “Does that make any sense?” Danee paused and nodded. “Okay, then. Yeah, we will take care of him. Neither of us are drunk. Bekah, be careful with Clean. He has turned into an asshole…Okay, we’ll call you if we need you. Try not to worry.”
Guardian is sitting on the concrete outside of a bar with his knees up to his chin and his arms wrapped around his calves. He has been walking around, going from bar to bar, for about two hours, and it is about eleven o’clock. There is a line going to the bar that he is sitting against, and he looks up and sees a girl with a sympathetic face looking down at him, whispering to the guy that has his arm around her.
She is blonde, perfect makeup, beautiful round face. No idea what her body looked like. No idea what kind of clothing she wears. But watching me crying is hurting her. In the moment, Guardian wants to stand up and tell her everything. Just dump the fall of his sisters, the burning of his cousins. The escape of his brother, sexual molestation and alcohol on her night, but when he struggles to his feet to do so, Artist slides between Guardian’s pain and the rest of the world, and takes over the body.
He drifts to her and looks at her boyfriend. This guy has no alarmed look on his face as Artist turns to the girl. “Tears for another grants us beauty. Beauty on top of beauty is what I see in you. And a gorgeous core running right through you that causes those in pain to sigh and cool from the fires they burn in. You are the very face of god, your eyes the very touch of Venus.”
“He is so sweet,” she whined.
“You alright, man?” her boyfriend said.
“Not for a long time, no. Not for a long time more, I’m sure,” Artist said. “Children get the worst of their parents.”
“Hey, can I give you a hug?” she said.
Artist holds his arms out, and she enters his space. She whispers to him some words he does not hear, and she grabs his face and kisses his sweaty head. Artist looks at her boyfriend, and he nods. He grants us a sad smile.
Blessed by a goddess, Artist moves on.
He wanders a lot, and when he looks up and away through a crowd of people, he sees Rasha watching from a distance. He nods at her and walks to a building across the street. Here, two buildings are close together and the city has built a fence to block anyone from getting between them.
Trash and litter are thrown back here by passersby on a regular basis, and right in the middle of the street, with Fat Tuesday celebrators everywhere, Guardian unzips his pants and prepares to urinate.
He hears Rasha and Danee step up behind him, looking the other direction, pressing close enough to block sight of what he is doing, and he looks down. There, set right on the ground staring up at him, is a Stephen King book.
The Stand stares at him, but this is not The Stand that everyone knows. This is the other copy. The abridged version. See, when Stephen wrote The Stand, his publishers thought that no consumer would read a thousand page book, so they made him cut it down to about 600 pages. The world doesn’t care about the length of the story, though. The public wants the full story.
Guardian looked down at the abridged version of one of the greatest works of fiction of its time, and he has one clear, pristine moment of clarity.
It’s not over. He has not gotten away with anything. The kids have not been broken, and the story of Grasp’s crimes has not been told. This that he is living is the abridged version. One day, the world will know. One day, Grasp’s reckoning will come.
Guardian is soothed. He wants to go home. He wants to see Bekah. He wants to hold his dog. Guardian is done here.
Danee and Rasha walk me to their house and drive me to Bekah, walking me to the door and handing me over while Guardian cries. Because he knows now that the story will not be over for a long time. He has so many more days like this ahead of him.
But the full story of Grasp and the horrors he bestows on children will be told.
This is it.
For more about the series Reality of the Unreal Mind, visit Amazon.
Jesse Teller 
Leave a comment