When I was a sophomore in high school, my sister got kicked out of the house. My mother, who had been locked in a brutal war with Lisa since my sister was six, had finally justified herself in tossing Lisa away. While my sister was off at a school homecoming event, Mom made Servant pack up her things. She came home that night to a room full of boxes. I remember the sound of her tears muffled through the door.
That night at the homecoming bonfire Lisa had reconnected with T and Scratch. Lisa went outside after finding all her stuff packed and asked if she could move in with Scratch. She said yes. Scratch asked to talk to me. Guardian went outside instead of me. I still don’t know what was said. But when I came back into the house, me and Scratch were a couple.
I was shocked. I tried to figure out what happened and was told Guardian had asked her out so he could insure Lisa would have a place to live. He knew she loved me and he was using her. If I could have killed him, I would have. If I could have done anything, I would have. I wanted to warn her that all he cared about was Lisa. I wanted to tell her to stay away from him, but I couldn’t. I lived in fear of the two of them getting together. How far would he take this? What wouldn’t he do for Lisa?
When I went to the trailer they lived in, I was shocked. There were about six other people living there, but Scratch had given Lisa the only other room. Everyone else lived in the living room bunking on the floor. The people living at the house hated Lisa. They wanted her gone, but Scratch wouldn’t kick her out.
Me and Scratch didn’t see each other much. When she was around Guardian was there, making sure I didn’t mess things up for Lisa. We got together for Halloween. Scratch took me to the school football game. T handcuffed us together and we spent the night hand-in-hand. Guardian left and I got to have her. We were happy that night. We laughed, we played, and all night we thought about the first kiss the evening was destined to end with.
We didn’t stay at the game long. Soon we were at the trailer and around them. The house was mad. There were people everywhere. Jester had made a homemade tattoo needle and was giving horrible splotchy, dull tattoos. I stood, offered my hand to Scratch and took her out of there. Out into the cold night we went. All I wanted was to be alone with her.
We went to my best friend Robert’s house. I didn’t know if he had plans or not, but we had to go somewhere and he was the only thing close. It was a long walk and we did most of it in silence walking hand-in-hand. I kept thinking about her lips and the way her tongue would feel on mine. When we got to Robert’s he was gone, but I had a key to his house and I wanted to go in. I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted her. I asked her if she would come be alone with me, trying not to beg her, trying not to scare her.
She wanted to stay outside. She was afraid of me, of making love to me. I lifted her face to mine. She pulled away. I gently lifted her face again and kissed her gingerly. Her mouth was dry and dirty. Her teeth uneven. Her tongue shy. I told her I loved her. I told her she was everything I wanted. I told her I was happy with her. For the first time her bangs were pushed aside and I saw her, really saw her and she saw me. We were both scared. We were both cold. And I thought we were both happy. I asked her again if she wanted to go in. She said no with a little shudder.
The happiness drained right out of me. The way she had turned her head at my invitation, it spoke of revulsion. She had denied me and I was devastated. I went away. I ran for the darkness, fighting away the memory of her lips and the way my body had responded to them.
The walk home was Guardian. He silently held her hand and prayed she would not kiss him. About a mile down the road she stopped. She looked into his face, brushing her bangs away and smiled a rare smile. “Let’s go back,” she said happily.
“I don’t think so,” he replied.
The next day she was gone. She left no note. She told no one but T, who she took with her. She disappeared from my life with no explanation. Lisa complained because she was left with no place to live. Guardian started looking for one for her. I wanted to kill them both. Scratch had left me and Lisa didn’t have a word to say about it. None of them did.
No one seemed to care she was gone. None of our friends gave a shit. My parents didn’t give a shit. I tried to talk to my friends and they didn’t give a shit. Nobody cared. I was raw. She had been all I ever wanted and she had been there. I thought she was supposed to be mine. I was meant to be hers. I hated everyone for their apathy. I hated her for leaving me. I hated God. All he had to do was just stand by and let it happen.
So I raged.
I went after everything and everyone. They hadn’t cared about her. She had been a wretched thing to them all and people like the ones in my life had beaten her down until she was so broken we couldn’t be together. They had hurt her and made it all impossible. So everyone would pay. Whether they knew her or not. Everyone would suffer for it. I became a monster. I hurt people for sport. I had no remorse. Everyone got manipulated. Everyone got plotted against.
—Shadow
Jesse Teller 