Hey, ho, let’s go!
Reading Assignment for this class: “Home” chapter from Teardrop Road
Writing Assignment for this class: The short story assignment from Class 1 is due today. Send it to jesseteller (at) yahoo (dot) com. Remember to rate and review your performance at the bottom of the assignment.
I think we have to do it in a circle. I need all the desks made into a circle. If you’re gonna say something about somebody’s piece in this class, you’re gonna look them in the face.
See there’s a problem now with the way the world works. With the internet, so many people can say whatever they want to say unchallenged. Somebody can read one of my books, not like it, and lie completely about everything in it. Their voice will be weighed as much as everyone else and there’s nothing I can do about it. Review culture has taken over the world and there’s nothing I can do about it except here. Here, if you have something negative to say about somebody’s piece, you have to look them in the eye. So, that’s what we’re gonna do. Everybody in a circle.
Critiques work very clearly with me. I try to keep it as simplistic as possible. There is a formula to it. You’ll say two positive things, and you’ll say one constructive criticism. Two positive things about the piece, one flaw that you saw that could be made better. All three are important, and this is controversial. Actually got into it with somebody about this. His remark was, “I don’t want to hear how good it is. I know how good it is. I wanna make it better.”
My idea is, “Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do.” I say the two things I like so that you can see what I expect from writing, and if you choose to, you can go in that direction. The two positives say you’re on the right track here to something I think is beautiful. The one negative (I don’t wanna say negative, but I’m gonna say negative) the one negative thing you say about the piece tells them, and this is how you pull the engine. The two positives, this is how you stay on track. The one negative, this is how you pull the engine. Are we talking about trains again? I think we’re talking about trains again. So all three are important. If I don’t tell you what I like, how are you supposed to duplicate it? So that’s what we’ll do.
Eight years ago I bought a Rottweiler. It was a rescue. An old man had bought a full-blooded Rottweiler to replace the one he knew would die soon. Threw her in the backyard and expected the big male Rottweiler he had to just accept the puppy. What happened next was very uncool. We’re pretty sure he guarded the water bowl and wouldn’t let Sadie drink. There’s a scar on her lip that I know he gave her. And she’s obsessed with dogs that will play with her.
But when I got her I knew nothing about Rottweilers, and I kept having the same problem. Every time I’d touch her, she’d growl at me. I would chastise her, step away from her, turn my face away from her. Happened about four times. And I started to question, is this dog just not liking me? Is this relationship not gonna work?
We took her to the vet. This didn’t seem like a medical question, so I didn’t say anything to the vet. We went to a pet store with her. She was terrified. She’s used to a backyard. We bought a bunch of stuff and on the way out, I casually grabbed a book about Rottweilers. I remember that night I got in the floor, curled up around Sadie. I started scratching her belly. She started growling at me. I scolded her. Climbed in bed, rejected, questioning my choice to get her in the first place.
My wife decided to read to me in bed and the first words of the book were: The first thing you need to know about Rottweilers is that they purr. When they’re extremely happy they’ll let out a low growl that your untrained ear might feel is aggression, but is in fact, love. Oh man, I exploded out of the bed. I was like, oh no, oh no. She’d been trying to express her love to me over and over again since we met, and I’d been unable to hear it. I had actually been yelling at her for it. Not yelling, but stern. I don’t yell at dogs. Well I dropped down in the floor, wrapped myself around her, and see, she likes to be scratched right in the middle of the chest and on her belly. And that night I held a Rottweiler while it purred. And it sounded like growling.
As I sat here tonight writing this curriculum, looking at this sweet dog, who I only have a few more years with, I realize that critiques are very much like a purring Rottweiler. It’s a positive thing. It scares the shit out of you. The good things and the bad are going to end up making you better. I’ll tell you the first time that you curl up with a purring Rottweiler, you’re terrified. That is an extremely big dog doing an extremely scary thing. It’s a dog capable of a lot of damage, just like the classmates around you are capable of a lot of damage, to your ego, to your piece. The wrong word said could send your short story spiraling in the wrong direction.
There was a writer in one of my classes that I really respected. He read one of my pieces and he yelled at the rest of the class when it got to be his turn to critique. He balled the paper up and told them they were all, well he started dropping the F bomb, the MF bomb. He called the story perfect.
It wasn’t perfect. To his understanding it was perfect. And that set me back years. Somebody I respected, he was one of the great writers in the room, had told me that my piece was perfect. So, I create perfect work, is what I told myself. Every time, anytime anybody criticized my work, I heard his voice in my head.
Don’t know anything about him. It was probably his freshman or sophomore year. Most likely he hadn’t been through the literature classes and learned how to take a piece apart yet. Basically what I’m saying is that I want you to look around you. The people who are going to be critiqued that you are looking at right now are in a very vulnerable state. They’re gonna cling to things you say, be they negative or positive. And they’re going to hear your voice in their head for years.
One of you is going to say some phrase, make some statement, that will stay locked in the head of the classmate you’re talking to for years and years. Let’s just hope it’s a positive one. Look around this circle. Don’t kill any of these people’s dreams.
I mentored a writer. I noticed a trend in him and I made a statement. And I’ll make it now. Your opinion doesn’t make you special, because it’s an opinion. Everyone has one. Do not be proud of your opinions. They can change on a dime. And if you’re too proud of them, growth and new understanding and learning is impossible. I’ll say it again. Do not be proud of your opinions. Let them be known. We want to hear them. But they are not what makes you special. Your opinion during the critique is not what makes you special. What makes you special is your ability to clearly explain that opinion in a constructive way that heals a broken piece of writing. Not a broken writer. There are no broken writers in this circle.
Now, what’s going to happen over the next few weeks is we’re all gonna go around, everybody’s piece is going to be critiqued by everybody here. When you wrote your piece, you gave me a one through five star rating. You wrote a 150-word, no more, review of the piece you had just turned in. You’ve done that, and you’re going to do that, all semester long.
The writing assignment I’m going to give you is after you hear what everyone has to say about your piece, I want a one-page to two-page review, and a star rating of 1-5, for how you feel about the story after your peer review. I want to know what they taught you. I want to know what you learned about your writing from the critique, and what you learned about writing in general. 1-2 pages. And then I want you to rate your piece again 1-5 stars.
After this is all done and we’ve done the peer review, I’m gonna continue to lecture you on writing. We’re gonna take apart story and setting and all of it. I have a whole thing on setting that I learned while building this curriculum based on things I had written and ways I am learning to look at my work as a teacher. After your peer review and your critiques, I’m going to continue to give you lectures and you will be making changes to the short story you have written, based on those lectures.
This is the short story you’re going to be working on all semester. I wanna see the dialogue changes that I teach in your piece. All semester you’re going to be going over this piece. You’re going to be making little changes. And as you hone and craft your piece, and the semester plays out, hopefully by the end of the year, when you turn in your final, you will have created a short story you are happy with. The story we’re about to critique right now is your final. It just hasn’t been finalized yet. All semester you’re going to hone this piece.
I’m hoping that at the end of the semester we can do another peer review. But I might just have too much information and not have room for a final peer review. Do you see what I did there? At this point you have no idea if I have written the rest of the curriculum for this class or if I’m still adding to it as we sit here. If I have already written it but made the statement above, I’m lying to you. If I haven’t already written the curriculum and made the statement above, then this class is all so much wilder than any of you are prepared for, because I’m throwing it all together now, one class at a time. So liar or madman, that is your instructor, and I did it with one line, one phrase.
Alright, so, I want you to think about yourself as a butcher. A raw piece of meat has been put in front of you. And you have to cut that meat into the best pieces you possibly can. Sometimes you’re going to use the cleaver of genre definition. Sometimes the boning knife of character. Look at your utensils. They are everything you’ve learned up to this point. Every blade that you have was taught to you. Shave this story thin, so thin you can see through it. Chop this story thick, two-inch thick, you can slap it on the grill and hear it sizzle. You’ve been given all the tools to take these pieces apart. Every blade has been handed to you. Now use your expertise to create perfectly carved slices of meat that can be used by the writer you’re critiquing to cook the perfect meal, to tell the perfect story.
We’re gonna talk, we’re gonna ask some questions. I wanna hear your thoughts. If you’re a vegetarian, you need to know how to cut vegetables, too. The analogy still stands. Listen, the analogy still stands. I went to an Asian restaurant because I love Chinese food, my whole family loves Chinese food. I got vegetables cut into so big of pieces I couldn’t enjoy them. So I’m talking to the vegetarians too. You have to know how to cut an artichoke.
My wife used to be a vegetarian. She got pregnant and had a burger, but my wife used to be a vegetarian. Use every tool that has been given to you by every class that you have taken to carve up the pieces for the perfect meal for the writer you’re critiquing.
I’m gonna say one thing about your feelings. Because they matter, and you need to learn how to control them. I’m gonna tell you about The Sword.
I was looking at aquarium fish. I was with an evil girlfriend who would do her best to crush me, and we were looking at various fish at a pet store. And I turned around, and there she was. She was in pink, with accents of white. White shirt. Pink blazer. Long pink skirt. White shoes, flats, sensible. Her hair was immaculate. Her purse was white. On one side she held her purse, in the crook of the elbow. In the other hand she held a two-inch-thick rusty chain. I may have added the rusty. But forgive me, I’m trying to do a thing here. You’re critiquing each other’s papers, not my lectures, so get that look off your face.
She was at least 70 years old. And she was a proper lady. She held in her hand this massive chain. And it was wrapped around the neck of the biggest dog I have ever seen. Have you seen a Great Dane? Great Danes are impressive dogs. They’re big, tall, lean. For some reason, when I picture a Great Dane, I picture knuckles. It’s covered in knuckles.
There’s a dog out there called a Caucasian Shepherd. Their nickname is Russian prison dogs. If a prisoner escapes in Siberia, they don’t try to chase them down. They just open the cage, let the prison dogs loose, and the prison dogs come back bloody. Look up some images of Russian prison dogs. You’ll see what I’m talking about.
I wasn’t looking at that. That’s a much bigger dog, but I wasn’t looking at that. Those dogs are mostly fur. They survive the weather of Siberia in limited shelter. You also have the Irish Wolfhound. For sure a big dog. I saw one once. Half of its front left leg had been amputated. Its head was bigger than my chest. Irish Wolfhounds, they say, were created to hunt wolves the way wolves hunt rabbits. They grab the wolf by the neck and shake it to death. That’s a big dog. But it’s made for running, and it’s lean. I wouldn’t want to fight one. Shadow wants to fight one. Not in lethal combat, but he wants to fight one. He wants to fight an Irish Wolfhound. Shadow wants to fight everything. He doesn’t want to kill anything, but he wants to be tested.
No, what I was looking at was a Rottweiler. It was all muscle, and it was so big that it was damn near looking me in the eye. It was held by a lady who it outweighed by 110 pounds at least, and I knew that only discipline held this Rottweiler in check. Every muscle was defined. It was, and is to this day, the most majestic creature I’ve ever seen. I’ve been to all the zoos, just like you. Maybe I don’t wanna say majestic. Maybe I’d rather say it was the most powerful creature I’d ever seen.
The most majestic creature I’d ever seen was my wife on our wedding day.
The first words I heard out of this woman’s mouth was the word “language.” Because Shadow turned around, he looked into this Rottweiler’s face, and he dropped the F bomb, the MF bomb, he started talking about divine feces. And she let him speak, then looked at him and said, “Language, young man.”
“I have never seen anything like this dog before in my life,” Shadow managed. He decided not to cuss anymore because she was holding its chain and he didn’t want to anger her. “I have never seen anything like this animal before.”
Politely, she said, “I know.”
“His face is bigger than my head.”
“I know,” she said.
“I think you could ride him.”
“No young man, he could carry me to safety.”
Shadow knew fear and he knew caution, but Shadow’s one of those that’s looking for a good death. And he figured this was a learning experience, so he looked at her and he said, “Can I pet him?”
And she looked at me and said, “Because I allow you to, yes.”
With trembling hands I said, “One hand?”
And she said, “that would be best.”
I reached my hand up alongside its face and I touched it. I didn’t pet it. I wanted to feel it. I didn’t want to stroke it. I wanted to experience its power pouring into my hand. I laid my hand against its face, my wrist against its snout. “What’s his name?” I said.
She said, “His name is The Sword.”
I didn’t jerk my hand back. I slowly removed it from the face of the most powerful creature I had ever seen, and I took a step back. The wicked girlfriend was laughing at the name. I scowled at her, and she silenced. I said, “You’re safe, aren’t you?”
And the elder lady said, “From everything and everyone.”
I said, “Ma’am, I am so glad that I met you today and I will never forget you.”
She said, “You will never forget The Sword.”
And I said, “No, it’s not The Sword that’s spectacular here. It’s the powerful woman who wields him.” I said, “You’re probably here for dog food.”
She shook her head. She goes, “No, I would never feed The Sword anything that’s sold in this store. What I’m here for is none of your business. But The Sword does not eat this kind of food.”
And I said, “What does The Sword eat?” and my evil girlfriend has already walked away. I don’t think she liked the way she was being looked at by The Sword. The Sword knows evil when it sees it.
The woman said, “He eats from the butcher. He eats what he has earned.”
RIght now, I’m in a room covered in tapestries. I’m looking at a sleeping Rottweiler, and a sleeping bullador. My wife is taking dictation. As I look at her, she’s still the most magnificent creature I’ve ever seen. We all know that I see hallucinations. I told you that the first day you came into this class. In the middle of the room that I’m in right now, I see that old lady, and I see The Sword. She’s just as I always pictured her. And that animal is just as powerful as it ever has been.
And I think to myself, why am I bringing this up now?
Your pride is the old lady. Although I’m not calling her proud. This is an analogy. Stay with me. Your pride is the old lady. She’s fragile. She needs protection. The Sword is your confidence. It eats what it has earned. It eats from the butcher. God, I’ll never forget that old lady. And the gentle way she spoke to me, and the fearless way she looked at me. I’ll never forget her. I think about her all the time. She was at peace. Confidence can do that to you. Pride. Confidence can set pride at peace.
All of you are gonna come in here with a certain amount of pride in your piece of writing. And all of you are gonna come in here with a certain amount of confidence. Now, every one of you is an old lady in pink with white accents. And every one of you is holding a thick chain wrapped around your confidence. And I want to tell every one of you here, look at the faces of the people around you. Do you wanna attack that old lady? Do you wanna face the wrath of their confidence? Or would you rather speak to her respectfully, and touch your palm to the most powerful creature you have ever seen?
I’m gonna open the floor to questions, comments, stories about past critiques you’ve had, stories about somebody punching that old lady in the face and how The Sword of your confidence saved her. We’re gonna talk about critiques for awhile. We’re gonna get ready. Because next time we’re gonna throw a slab of meat on the table, and I’m gonna see how all of you have carved it up.
Writing Assignment
Write a one- to two-page review, and a star rating of 1-5, for how you feel about your story, what you learn about your writing, and what you learned about writing in general.
—Prince
Jesse Teller 
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